Oh Amoir, why have you been such a slackarse blogger?

Yes, I admit it. I've been a derelict mother to my blog. I've left it out on the stoop with a half-packet of cigs and cruel intentions.

But, in news which may surprise some readers who have grown to love and depend upon my supernatural torpor, I've been busier than a whore on Father's day. Strangely, it seems that getting retrenched wasn't the life of mai tais and degenerate abandon I had hoped.

Turns out, being retrenched means getting (lovingly) dragged into more projects than one human can handle and I found myself juggling two, sometimes, three full time jobs in a row. Writing jobs, project management salvage jobs, book commissions. Little known fact: when you work 18 hour days and exist on 4 hours of sleep per night, you get to a point of hummingbird-esque energy. And people will describe you as "crazy-eyed", "Mr Wolf", "Iggy Pop" or "Mummy, she scares me!"

This is what you look like when you work 18 hour days:

Can you see my boobs? They've grown in direct proportion to how many carbs and sweetened tea I've consumed since this lark began. They're now so large they qualify as a war-torn Eastern European republic. Angelina wants to adopt one, while the other has already written her shocking tell-all expose and is doing the Oprah book-tour circuit (look for "Exploitlatte: How Amoir used me to get free coffee at Pellegrinis" at bookstores near you).

Speaking of books, I wrote one. In news that will shock you even more, it wasn't a fanfic about the Predator and I setting up a little love nest in Sweden and the merry hijinx that would ensue (idea, copyright Amoir).

The book came about from my awesome Christmas. Generally a strange day due to the Seagull's midday departure, I fill the void with smoking, eating and watching completely AWESOME films. Last Christmas I decided on a theme: Vampires. I gorged on Nosferatu, the Hunger, some Hammer choices, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Buffy and the first series of True Blood. Sasspot Fatale and I decided to continue the obsession by watching Twilight at the cinemas (reviews to come a speedy 7 months after the fact). One thing led to another and I was somehow recommended to write a book about vampire history, culture and ephemera for a publisher over in the US who then sold my sample copy at the London Book Fair.

Book: It's called "How to be a Vampire" and basically introduces young adults to the wealth of vampire lore, stories, films and canon that existed pre-sparkly jawbones. Hopefully it's funny, interesting and handy around the house. It will be available via Candlewick (US), Templar (UK) and Five Mile Press (Au) sometime soon.

I'll do some vampire posts closer to the release date. If there's enough interest, I'll give away a copy. Or something. Listen, I'm just going to lie on the couch and sleep for a month.